Your Feelings Are Valid

Emotional abuse is real: how to recognize signs and find help

     It’s okay to not feel okay. 

     A type of abuse that is too frequently overlooked is emotional abuse. We hear about the violence of physical abuse between couples, families, and in the public through various news stations, the gossip in town, and other media, but the rise in emotional abuse and its impact on victims has yet to be brought to attention. 

     Not only is emotional abuse prevalent in adults, but there has also been an uptake in incidents with children.

     In 2014, a study from the National Survey of Children’s Exposure to Violence, reported that just 15.7 percent of children ages 14 to 17 had experienced emotional abuse in the previous year. In contrast, in 2022, the percent increased to more than 55 percent of students surveyed at 7,700 schools across the United States who said they experienced some form of emotional abuse. 

     The perpetrator has one goal in mind, may it be intended or subconscious: they want to control you. 

     The perpetrator manipulates the victim by criticizing, embarrassing, gaslighting, blaming, and numerous other ways. At this point, after daily incidents, the victim will often doubt themselves, feel as though they’re being “too over dramatic” when confronting the perpetrator’s actions, and their mental health, self esteem, and feelings are deemed invalid. This constant push down can cause one to easily be disillusioned and lose a sense of themselves and reality. 

      When it happens for far too long, the victim oftentimes blames themselves, sees this as the new reality, and becomes too afraid to leave the situation, because especially in a relationship, they may feel it is “better to be abused than to be alone.” 

      But, recognizing the signs is not always easy. Most of the time, the victim doesn’t even recognize the situation as abusive. It isn’t until it is too late where they no longer can escape the repetitive abusive behavior. 

     Often, the situation becomes confusing. When the abuse doesn’t happen all the time, the distortion in reality becomes too apparent. Sometimes, the abuser can continue to be encouraging, loving, and caring, but just as easily, can resort to verbal abuse. This is dangerous, especially in relationships, because it makes it difficult to leave the partner, for they could have just had an “off day,” or, they “didn’t mean it.” 

     Too many people find themselves in this perilous situation, but victims need to recognize when they are being abused, and not dismiss the abuser’s behavior. 

     Here are some signs of abusive relationships:

 Having Unrealistic Expectations

When a person expects unreasonable demands, for example pushing aside your priorities for theirs, expecting to always make time for them, being dissatisfied no matter how much you give them, constantly criticizing you for not meeting their standards on tasks, putting you in uncomfortable situations, when confronted, they expect you to give specific time and dates and occasions from when you felt a certain way and often dismiss your accusations saying, “That never happened,” or, “It was just a joke.” 

Invalidation

When they repetitively dismiss or distort your reality and perceptions by not accepting your feelings, make you redefine how you should feel, force you to need to explain how you feel constantly because they are not changing their behavior, accuse you of being “too sensitive,” “too emotional,” or “crazy,” not acknowledging your opinions or ideas as valid, dismissing your requests as “ridiculous,” saying you “exaggerate” implying that you cannot be trusted, and make you feel selfish and needy. 

Acting Superior

When they treat you as though you are inferior to them, blame you for their mistakes, constantly want to prove you wrong, make jokes at your expense, say your opinions and values are “stupid” or “illogical,” use sarcasm when discussing anything with you, talk down to you and act condescending, act like they are right and you are wrong, they know what is best, and act like they are smarter than you will ever be.

     In these situations, it is too easy to get blinded by their manipulation and feel as though you are in the wrong. You’re not. It’s okay to feel angry, sad, upset, frustrated– anything you feel. Your feelings matter. If you need help being reassured, it is important to speak to people and get a new perspective about your situation. 

Don’t undermine therapy. 

     Going to therapy is extremely stigmatized, and for what? Just because people are brave enough to recognize they need help and are getting help is something to be ashamed of? Absolutely not. By speaking with a therapist, your emotions will be validated, you will recognize that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, and you can be freed from the situation. But don’t think it’s only professional help that will let you escape. Discussing situations with friends, families, counselors, and people you trust is a great way to put yourself back into reality and understand your situation. 

Give yourself self love

     Make time for yourself. Go on dates with yourself. Show your mind and body that you love yourself and that you are your own person. Reflect on the situation you are in, meditate, walk, spend time with nature, and start to recognize that you value yourself and you are being abused.

Establish Boundaries

    Stand up for yourself. Recognize when they are pushing too strongly into your territory, and fight back. Do not resort to arguing, making excuses, or appeasing the abuser– set rules for yourself and the manipulator. Tell them that the name calling, condescending comments, and inappropriate behavior does not fly in your proximity. Call them out.

Leave.

    It’s not worth it. It is so easy to only see one side. Especially in a relationship, when the abuse is only emotionally and perhaps occasionally, that your partner still shows you love and comfort, it’s confusing. It’s hard to recognize an argument versus repetitive verbal abuse, especially when they act differently at different times. Think hard and notice if you are having more bad times than good, if you feel upset when you see them more than excited. Even if they make you feel loved and appreciated sometimes, it’s not worth it when most of the time they make you feel as though you are nothing. You deserve better.